So here is the head trip I’m struggling with: to diet or not to diet. See, dieting seems to be associated with being healthy (or at least making a concentrated effort toward being healthy). The problem is, I feel like I’ve been on one form of diet or another for almost my entire life. And I’m tired y’all! And ultimately, diets don’t work.
Now, I’m someone who lost 95 pounds on Weight Watchers, so, yes, I know that dieting can help you to lose weight. And I even worked for Weight Watchers, so I know all about how it’s “not a diet, but a lifestyle change.” However, that change still comes with taking careful stock of everything you put into your mouth (that has calories people, that has calories), and measuring your progress through weekly weigh ins. It’s not a bad system. It gets shit done.
And yet, having worked at Weight Watchers, I can tell you how many lifetime members (people who reach a goal weight and keep it off for six weeks of maintenance) end up coming back in, over their goal weight, starting the whole process again. And when someone gains weight during the week (when they’re supposed to be losing) we always go over the same questions: what did you do differently? Did you write down everything you ate? Did you drink your water?
And while we were taught to be careful about tone and all that, what it really feels like is “you didn’t do your homework, did you? You didn’t study for the test. You failed your weigh in.”
Since having lost 95 pounds, I have gained (the last time I weighed myself) 30 back. Trust me, I don’t like it. It didn’t come on all at once. My lowest weight was a good 10 pounds below my WW goal weight, so when my weight crept back up to the goal weight range, I was okay with that. What’s 10 pounds, really? I’d lost almost a hundred. And then over the next year, a few more pounds crept on, and then a few more, and then one really bad year I got pretty depressed, and then the creeping took up speed.
I have no idea what I weigh right now since my scale battery died a few months back and I haven’t replaced it. But my clothes are tighter and my belly looks bigger, so I’m pretty sure the number has gone up again.
I was all determined to go back to Weight Watchers, start the process again. I bought a season pass. I lost five pounds. And then, I stopped going.
I stopped going because I read this book about Fat Acceptance and how diets don’t work. I read about Healthy at Every Size. More, I read about loving your body no matter what, no matter it’s size or shape. And the idea of it was wonderful! What if I didn’t have to lose 30 pounds to feel good about myself? What if I could just feel good now? No more thinking of food in terms of good food and bad food. No more weekly weigh ins making me feel like I was about to pass or fail a test (or even if I lost, feel bad because I didn’t lose enough, get a high enough score, and that meant it would take me that much longer to reach my goal weight).
See, it took me two years to lose 95 pounds. I lost a pound a week, on average. At that rate, it would take me 5 weeks to lose 5 pounds (net). Thirty weeks to lose 30. That’s over 7 months. Seven months of writing down everything I eat, of thinking of food as good or bad, of feeling deprived and resentful about not being able to just have what I want when I want it. Thirty weekly weigh ins, and no, not 30 weeks straight of loss either. My pattern was lose 2.5 pounds, gain one back, lose .2, gain some back, etc. I was a yo-yo, two steps forward, one step back, but the net, the overall average, was a pound a week.
I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t. The very idea makes me want to cry. For what? This time, would I be able to keep it off? For how long? I was at my lowest weight 5 years ago. It took me five years to creep back up 30 pounds. So, does this mean it would creep back on again? How long would I get feeling thin? How low should I aim? What’s the magic number that will make me feel good again? Plus, I can’t always be diligent. I can’t always avoid splurges and special occassions, or fast food. I will gain weight. And then I will have to lose it, again.
And the only alternative seems to be to stop dieting, stop the cycle–and live with the fact that my natural body weight (if there is such a thing…I still have a hard time believing in that) is 30, or more (I feel like I’m *still* gaining) pounds over my lowest (which, I might add, wasn’t even my ideal–I still wanted to lose at least another 5 from there).
Not to mention all the issues that being a heavier person in the world comes with. I’m still single, for one.
This is my head trip. This is my head ache. I’m going to have to accept one reality or the other, being heavier, or being a lifetime dieter. And I honestly don’t know which choice is the right one. I really don’t know which one is healthier.
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